Yes, I have an interesting job. Now kindly fuck off.

Do you have a job that everyone and their mother (literally) thinks they know everything about? Has your chosen profession inspired a wildly popular string of prime time TV shows? If so, I need you to take every ounce of annoyance and frustration you feel and magnify it by one angry badger. I'm a crime scene technician. In New Orleans. (You know, that city whose homicide rate is 10x that of the fucking Nation.  The FBI's Uniform Crime Report for 2010 says so.) Everyday, without fail, no less than three random people feel the need to come up and comment on my job. I don't mean the scores of people who ask me legitimate questions. Those people I can (sort of) handle. I mean the ones who were obviously born without the ability to think before speaking. The ones who think they're pithy and cleaver and cute, and constantly reaffirm my general hatred for humanity as a whole. Granted, I'm not a 'people person' to begin with, but even Mother Theresa would have lost it after a few years of this shit.

So here are the most popular things I hear in one combination or another on a daily basis, and the instinctual replies I must constantly suppress (thus definitively proving that I have the will of a God). If you have any decency at all, you will remember these and never, EVER, spew them at unsuspecting people who are just trying to buy goddamn cup of coffee:


1. "I didn't do it!" (or any other witty one-liner you can think of)


What I want to say: I know you didn't, sugar, you're not smart enough to pull off this kind of crime. That's why I've decided to help you out by broadcasting your Prius as 'reported stolen' and hiding all kinds of fun and exciting forensic nuggets throughout it. Have fun on your 'Let's Stay Out of Prison' scavenger hunt! (Here's a hint: There are 11 pieces of evidence for you to find. Three are biological.)

2."CSI: New Orleans! Haha!"


What I want to say: "Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, go play in traffic." (I refuse to come up with a more original retort if that is really the best they can do.)

3."Hey, how come you guys aren't wearing designer suits and makeup?"


What I want to say: "For the same reason all ER doctors aren't hearbreakingly beautiful and perfectly coiffed at all times. For the same reason that all of life's problems aren't solved within 30-60 minutes, ending with a lesson learned, a hug and a fucking cookie. Because this is the really, real world. Honestly, how do you function as an adult without the ability to discern the difference between fact and fiction? Please, tell me you haven't procreated."

4."Wow! Your job is so cool! I watch all the CSI shows, and NCIS, and Forensic Files, and blah blah blah..."


This one doesn't sound so bad, right? After all, they're just excited and curious about what I do, right? Wrong. Nine times out of ten this comes from some young girl with way too much energy who fancies herself an expert on the field of forensics because she watches every half-assed show possible. These are the ones who aspire to be the next 'Abby', yet cannot be bothered to actually do any research about any real forensics careers (nevermind actually cracking open a Chemistry textbook for more than just make-shift rolling papers). Everyone who has blurted this out to me expects that it will prompt a lengthy conversation in which I assure her that she is absolutely correct about everything she's "learned" about forensics. Trust me, after hearing it over and over and over again, eventually all you want to do is shove an LSD laden Croissan'Wich in their maw and watch them to go chase the bunnies.

What I want to say: "Please, don't speak; it's not your best attribute. Just continue to lower your standards and ignore even the tiniest glimmer of dignity, and I'm sure eventually someone will decide you're worth keeping around to do their laundry and occasionally screw."

5."Do they let you have all those tattoos at the police department?"


What I want to say: "I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, in uniform, with my radio positioned so I can hear it best, not 20 feet from a Crime Lab SUV, and have exchanged small talk with three NOPD Officers and a Sergeant who've passed by in the ten minutes since you sat down (none of whom so much as blinked at my excessive skin art)... Nope. They're completely against regulations, and thank you so very much for pointing out that I somehow forgot to wrap my arms in gauze to cover them before clocking in. Whew! It's a good thing you noticed before my boss did; it's just awkward when he tries to scrub them off with a Brillo Pad."

6."Crime Lab." (said in such a way as to imply a scandal)


What I want to say: ".............yeah, and? ... Oh, that was it. Were you just so proud of yourself for being able to recognize my profession by sight that you simply couldn't contain yourself? I wonder, am I the only one who gets this star treatment, or is this something you do constantly? Home Depot Cashier. Hooters Waitress. Bus Driver. Network Administrator. Astro-physicist. Panty Wrangler. Perhaps if you were looking for a reply you should have phrased your answer in the form of a question or, better yet, just go back to bagging my groceries in blessed silence."

Really, I get this more than you might think. I have no idea what it's supposed to mean, or how I am expected to respond to it. Invariably, however, my blank stare is never the proper reply. They all seem to expect me to say something, and actually get offended when I don't. Well, I am personally offended by their lack of communication skills. If the best you can come up with to say is what I am loathe to even call a declarative statement, then I am certainly not going to encourage you to assail my ears with anything else by acknowledging you.

7. (my personal favorite) "Do you work in the Crime Lab?"


What I cannot stop myself from saying: "No. I just really like the uniform."
To which I am always met initially with confusion, and then personal offense. I honestly don't understand why they get offended. Perhaps if they knew what I wanted to say, they would be delighted that a little sarcasm was all they were met with.

What I want to say: "What, exactly, gave you that idea? Tell me, Sparky, was it that I just finished parking this:



(Except when I park it, it actually fits between the lines.)



Perhaps it was the fact that you had to speak over the dispatcher on the radio attached to my hip? Maybe, and I know this is just crazy talk here, you happened to notice (with your keen observational skills) the subtle, even understated, logo on my uniform:

(Used for illustration only. This is not the Badger you're looking for.)

No. No, obviously I'm in the presence of a fucking psychic. Hey, Miss Cleo, the next time you're conversing with the beyond could you ask my grandmother for the winning Power Ball numbers so I can quit my job and never deal with you people again?"

 I'm adding this last one in because I have been getting it more and more often:

8."Hey! I saw you on TV last night!"


I honestly don't have a witty response to this one. My friends and (particularly my boyfriend's) family have been playing the 'Spot The Badger' game with the evening news for several years; and, since a photo of me took up a quarter of a page in the newspaper, even my neighbors have joined in. These things I can understand; after all, they know me. When a complete stranger, however, stops me on the street or in a shop to say they saw me, I find it to be a sad bit of commentary on the state of society today. These people seem to think a ten second snippet of video used to illustrate the report of a gruesome murder (during which I am obviously unaware of being filmed because I am busy photographing a dead man while trying to avoid stepping in the brain matter splattered on the sidewalk) is something I would be proud of. I realize that the crime (and specifically murder) rate in this city is high, but are these people really so desensitized to death and obsessed with media that just being shown on TV, regardless of the context, grants me some semblance of fame? Seriously, you fuckers make me sick.